When I tell any truth it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those who do....
-Wm. Blake








"A Bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings
Because it has a Song...." ~ Maya Angelou

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

*It's gonna Be a Brighter Day.....so don't ever stop the sunshine....*

"I have a dream. That one day my four little children will live in a nation where they are not judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character..." - Martin Luther King Jr.

Thank you God for answering the prayers of so many as you helped Barack Obama become the First Black President of the United States last night. You have fulfilled one promise, that has been lingering in the balance for over 40 years. So thank you for this blessing that is just that in the lives of millions around the world....


As for all of us who cried tears of joy last night as we watched history taking place: Don't let his Victory reign in Vain... I'm telling you now that last night was one of the happiest, most proud, and humbling moments of my life. Barack Obama is the direct insult to anyone who ever told you that you couldn't do something. As he said in his speech...


"This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that's on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She's a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing - Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old. She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn't vote for two reasons - because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin.And tonight, I think about all that she's seen throughout her century in America - the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can't, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can. At a time when women's voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can. When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can. When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can. She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that "We Shall Overcome." Yes we can. A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can. America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves - if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?"



We must keep these historic, timeless, and purpose-filled words with us each day, as we engage in the dealings of our lives from this moment on. No longer should we allow the excuses of old, especially for the black race to stop us from doing anything we set our minds to do. We are no longer just given the archetype of "yeh, we're some good basketball players, or dominate the rap and music industries, or have great prominent movie stars, or what have you." Now, we have a divine exemplification, and representation of a dream come true, and the highest office in this Nation. A Nation with years of heartache, slavery, violence, discrimination, segregation, prejudice, and hate, last night slapped it's own history in the face. Last night, one man, a black man united people of all ethnic backgrounds, walks and creeds. We all came together because we believe in better days to come, and we have our faith in God that this man, Yes he's a black man, but he's also a bi-racial man, a Godly man, and good man, that he can lead us there.


A text message was being sent around saying "Rosa sat so Martin could march. Martin marched so Obama could run. And Obama runs so our children can fly.." Don't let the failed flights of our children fall on our shoulders. We must all remember how last night made us feel. We must work hard to continue that spirit of unity and understanding, of purpose and promise to dedication, equality, progress, and prosperity. We must not let His Victory, Our Victory, be in vain by continuing to create low expectations for ourselves and aspire no more than what we have already become when the bar has now been set so high. Raise the standard of your life, and others will have no choice to rise with you to meet that standard; and the world will be farther ahead in the process. In the words of Gandhi, "Be the Change you wish to see in the world".. We all became that change these past months as we all did our part to make this day possible. All of our collective efforts made this possible. But we must continue that drive. Martin Luther King Jr. said, "I can never be what I ought to be, until you are what you ought to be--we are all inter- connected in life.."


So lets not just say "well, he won, thats it." No, we must work hard every day to keep Hope alive, and if anyone ever tells you you can't do something, remember how you felt last night, what you saw, and how your efforts helped make it all possible, and tell them, "Yes I can!"



























*And just for fun...:










*Hahaha...it's just a joke..made me laugh...(don't get all scared)*

Sunday, November 2, 2008

*Don't Be Lazy when we're on the Edge of a Breakthrough"

In two days it will be the official election day, and one of THE biggest moments in history. I got a good Word today from church, and been having this on my heart for some time, so today gave me the motivation to put it out there...: Do NOT be lazy;when we're on the edge of a breakthrough...

It is imperative that we vote. If someone needs a ride let me know. If nothing makes me angry laziness and ignorance do. It does not matter if you have to stand in line all day; you've had since Oct.16th to vote early. I know plenty of people who don't conplain when the new J's come out, stand in line for them. Or the day after Thanksgiving, thinking they're going to save big on Christmas gifts-- well think about it like this, you are saving big on your life for the next four years. And if you don't go vote, please spare us all the complaints about not having any money, of not having a job, or something thats going on in the world, us having to read your status updates every few hours and all those notes complaining about things when we have the opportunity in front of us to vote and do something about it. Maya Angelou said.."If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, then change your attitude about it. Never complain." Well, don't ever complain when you can look at something in a positve light at any costs, however, we don't have to be satisfied all the time either. We have to power to change a situation in this country that is discouraging and dissatisfying, so do something about it while we can.




>> and for the believers out there who think they don't have to vote because God will just work it out.... uuhhh No. Why are we even on earth then, if he's always just going to work everything out...? Why do we have free will when he'll just work it out? why do we study for test if he's just gone work it out? why do we go to work, he'll make a way and the bills will get paid, he'll work it out? Why did Martin Luther King Jr get assasinated if he was just going to work it out? Why did we have over 400 years of slavery if God just works it out? Now you're right, God does work things out, but he works in us, he manifest himself through our faith, however faith without works is dead... So stop being a lazy Christian. God makes things better and answers our prayers in the form of conflicting situations and circumstances. He provides us with the endless opportunities to know him, act on his will and word, and make the right choices. It's not his fault if we fail to do so....








So get out there and VOTE!!!!








Same Dream Different Day.......













Lets Show them that Dreams DO come true........





*And I took this picture from Brandi because it's one of the best one's I've seen. Pray that this becomes reality....Speak things into existence, but you have to believe it's possible also....

>>~*I'm a believer!

GO OBAMA

Thursday, October 16, 2008

*I'm Tired......*

I'm tired of loving you
but it seems like thats all i know how to do...
i'm tired of having nothing else to do but think about you
what are you doing, whats on your mind,
what can i do better, when you can't even find the time
to tell me how you feel.
i'm tired of trying to convince you that i deserve better
than your minimun efforts towards making me happy
im tired of begging you to care and writing these love letters,
when you never pay attention and throw these words back at me
i'm tired of sitting at home waiting for you to come home
to my home that i made our home, yet i stll live alone
because you just not there
literally and mentally, because you just dont care
im tired of trying to beg you to want to see me smile
im tired of having to give you the answers to a free response opinionated
survey of your feelings
because any answer would really do,
but you can't even bother to respond
to my thoughts and with my hearts song you refuse to sing along
i'm tired of you making me feel bad, for feeling bad,
when its something you did that made me cry
and im tired of you making me feel weak because i do so
like im only doing it for attention,
something else you feel you dont owe...
me for all the time i've wasted helping you chase your dreams
fought so hard for you, that i have nothing left for me,
myself ,
and whenever i need a lift to make me feel like im somebody,
you turn into everybody else.
im tired of you thinking im not as good as you,
like i have to earn my right to be treated like a queen
you put me down for wanting to be held up,
like i shouldn't expect to be tangible aspects of your dreams
im tired of you telling me im selfish for noticing that you think about yourself before me
im tired of you telling me i put you down when i get mad that you don't stand up for me
im tired of you thinking that i try to manipulate you by doing everything in my power to prevent you from hurting me again,
i didn't know how much you liked to see me cry
I'm tired of keeping my phone on silent just to pick up to see you still havent called
im tired of not being able to do what i need to for my self, when you never let that stop you at all
i'm tired of having bad dreams and turning to you and you can't even wake up to provide comfort for me
when so many nights i sit up, and watch you dream just to make sure you breathe.
im tired of having the lawn seats to my own show, when you have the all access pass
and im tired of feeling like i dont deserve better from you, when i'd give you of me my very last
I'm tired of being the only one who cares about building a future for "us"
I'm tired of investing everything i have into someone else who always keeps their own reservations
i pay the interest just to be appreciated, when after all this time my value has gone down, cuz there's nothing left after you take the best of me without hesitation
I'm tired of getting only a few hours of sleep waiting for you to come home, and then lowering myself to anticipate your typical attempts at affection
I give you all of me every night, for half price,
because i take your shit all day
settling for less within myself at night,
just to hold on to some sign that you still love me.....
......And wonder why when you're fast asleep
i lay awake and feel cheap
my soul telling me that it feels cheated
and my heart saying i can't keep taking this beatin'
because thats what it feels like...
and to everyone else i make excuses for the bruises that they see in my eyes,
they see in my smile, they notice in my style, and hear in my voice,
all because i made the choice
to love you another day....
I'm tired of being the only one who believes in us, and hoping we last
and being placed in that position whenever it's convenient for you to not confront what you've become...
and i know i got a lot of work to do, but i never stopped loving you
and i never stopped praying for you
i never stopped making you number one in my heart
even though its not even in my possession anymore
i gave you that too
went to the end of the earth looking for you
and to realize that you can't even appreciate the journey
give me no credit for the things i've seen
made all the obstacles i overcame on the way seem,
like things that were only coming to me anyway, because i get what i deserve.
that i dont know God like you do, because i dont know everything about the Word
And you right
im tired of defending myself or trying to prove to you that He's the very one that's been directing your life
that that God that I don't know is the one who lays beside you every night
is reflected in the eyes of the girl who's crying for you to treat me right
i'm tired of trying to convince you that God is in me, and he's what brought me back to you
and the more you hurt me, you're only hurting you
because you battle me all day, but at the end it's you that you fight
and since you don't want me, i'll leave you with this advice...
i sacrificed myself for you, and in vain you take advantage of your life....


you had it so good....
i should've known id never b able to make you happy....
guess i was the one that was wrong...
jokes on me

..... back to the old Ashley....

Monday, October 6, 2008

Dear God, I'm Sorry, and I'm listening....

Dear God,

I'm sorry. Sorry for putting you second, even though that was never my intention. I"m sorry for letting you down, but i swear to you now, I'm listenin' . I'm sorry for sacrificing the woman you sacrificd your own son for. I'm sorry for giving myself up to defeat, when you felt like I was worth more than fighting for. I'm sorry for looking in the mirror and hating that myself sometimes I see, I only said those things about you because I forgot you lived in me. And all those times I was so dissatisfied with all what had become of me, I forgot that you had made me, and knew what was best for me. Oh Dear God, I'm so sorry...


I'm sorry for beating you up, every time I put myself down. And I'm sorry for making you lose your crown, 'cause I was too busy keeping my head down. I'm sorry for having more faith in what you've done, instead of what you can do. I turned to other people, putting them before you. I'm sorry for allowing my whole world fall before my eyes. The devil could get to the things I loved more, and now they believe his lies. Oh God, I'm so sorry.


I"m so sorry God for having all the opportunity in the world to do right by you and dont. I swear I try but it just gets so hard when I carry as my gifts false hope. I'm sorry for not truly believing in you anymore. I"m sorry for being so selfish that when things go wrong or get hard I blame you for it. I'm sorry for blaming you when my relationship goes wrong. If I put my faith in you, instead of a man, we'd both be better off. I'm sorry for thinking that I can build a home and a life for myself, with no foundation; to only set the people I love more than anything up for failure and humiliation. I'm sorry for dissappointing you again, by letting the devil get the best of me. I swear all I really in my deepest of hearts want is for you to open me back up, and set me free.


I'm not going to make you anymore promises that I know I cannot keep. I'm just saying that I'm listening, because without you, I don't know me. I'm not saying that I wont mess up again, or lose sight of where I've placed you in the orders of my life. I just know that without you being in the driver's seat, I'm out of order, and in a winless fight. So I'm listening God, to whatever it is you want me to hear. You've knocked me down, before the devil could take me out, So I'd have to get up out of faith, instead of fear. I just want you to know that I love you, and I trust that things will be all right. And when I go to sleep, I'll never close my eyes with out thanking you if for nothing else, my life. And I pray that you'll make me over, and that I can live up to the function of my craft. So that if one day you should ever need an angel, to me you wont hesitate to ask....














I love you God, and thank you, for loving me.......











Wednesday, July 23, 2008

*Change is Coming.....*

Tonight CNN is doing a special on "Black in America". This stikes me as very profound and moving because it's about time. Next they're doing a segment on "The Black Man in America", and recently the debate over the "N" word has been widely speculated and debated. And all i can say is that it's about time. It's about time that this nation have a conscious and acknowledge and recognize the Black community, and stop trying to hide behind, "Corrective policies", which keep the masks on so many 's faces, for they feel like things are so good; everything and every problem has been solved. The first step to solving a problem is to admit that there is one. And it's not the Blacks are a problem, or they are doing SO bad, it's SUCH a travesty, So sad, no, the problem here is that for years, the playing field has never been equal or fair. Blacks are always at a disadvantage, and lack opportunities, and get trapped within a system whose sole aim in to maintain the status quo--for lack of better words-- whites still in power and at the top, running the counrty, everyone else gets their equal rights,(cough cough) but lets not over do things. I think it's wonderful that these issues are being uncovered and exposed, so if change doesn't occur from this point on, it wont be because WE as a people didn't know about it. And I think that Barack Obama is such an important man in this moment in time, because i feel that his presence, coming on the scene, challenging how things "have always been done", is single handedly causing this country to re-examine what and who he represents. And hopefully, HOPEfully, CHANGE is coming........


*Change we can believe in......



....comes from within....





~Ash







This is the TRUE American Dream











*All Sold Out.......*

I am the American Dream.
I keep the King Dream alive.
I'm out here trying to make it,
gotta hustle to survive.
I've been blessed with the burden of being blessed,
And I dont need that stress.
Why'd everyone have to fight so hard,
to give me their best,
when I'm trying to settle for less?
This is MY time,
so i dont have the time,
to take the time,
to take time out, and appreciate the sunshine;
Cuz i gotta make it Rain.
And if you keep preaching that
"I should respect my past", and saying something bout
what the "Jesus Christ, MartinLutherKingRosaParksFrederickDuboiseHArrietTubman..." one
more time, calling me out MY name...
I'ma be more than two seconds away, from two-steppin my way to walkin' it outta here...
Cuz i claim my own fame.
You say remember what????
Middle Class America aint never been so hard.
Gotta get a real education to get a good job???
Man F*** that,
my gat got my back..
Well,...
I aint got it yet.
But wait 'till my momma's next pay check.
She'll give me some money,
so I can go so hard, stay fly and still stuntin'.
And i met this chick, told me i need to get my life together,
said i need to trade my apathy for respect, nothing I do will last forever..
And i dont even know what the F*** that mean,
So i told her money over B******, traded her to another team.
Why do i care about this American Dream that my parents worked so hard for, just to break bread for you?
Well I dont want a piece of the American pie, I want to take a bite out of that cake,
AND eat it too.
Cuz I have a dream.
That someday everybody would just stop hatin' on a G.
Cuz I tried that nice guy routine,
didn't really work out.
was smart and had a kind heart,
but i kept feelin' left out.
So i said, F*** that, gotta get me some street cred.
Gotta sell and smoke weed,
walk through life usin' my otha head.
Gotta get me a bobble head.
Maybe grow some dreads,
Oh, and tell em' i'm from Buck Head.
Or i could rep New York, I got some family from there,
ha, I never lived in the hood a day in my life, but i gotta have a story to tell.
So my life is looking good,
cuz I'm all about the come up.
Who cares about the Civil rights movement?
I gotta get my weight up.
You talk about "remember the struggle, and if things get hard
to look up.
Well i struggle every day with my Iced-out Jesus piece,
Can't even keep my head up.
It's weighin' me down,
But as long as i got swag,
I've never look back on the life I coud've had,
cuz I AM the American Dream.....!


*We are more, than what we have become...
......Remember.....




~Ash

Monday, July 21, 2008

*some things that made me L a u g h!!!*






























*and this is my favorite one.......




*laughter, medicine for the soul.

so take it daily, like a vitamin.....

~Ash

*thought i needed a hug, what i got was Word to have faith....*

Brandi is the one who motivated me to go ahead and put up this. I know why she may save something, but Lord only knows why I save things to put up here, Lord its only me, you and her, than ever read these any way. SO here goes nothing...... but my truth.....





Lord, I need a hug.

Talking to you is great, but sometimes I just need to feel you.

And i guess my relationshp with you should be strong enough that i feel your presence in my mind and heart, and through the tears too,

But i can't help but sometimes feel like i want more, that that just isn't enough.



Lord! I just need a hug....



Life aint no picnic, and i know i'm not telling you anything you dont already know.

It's just that sometimes i get so discouraged, and i can't figure out which way to go.

And i feel like i'm walking through life like Lazarous, but i dont even have enough faith to receive the blessing i need, so i can find find my own way

Instead of just trusting your voice, I either am too afraid to venture out into my own doubt filled darkness, or just stay in a place called frustration, and fall on me knees and pray.

Which is about the most humble thing i do, for you.

I feel like a child who has heard the right things to do so many times, and never follows through.

And am afraid to hear "I told you so", so sometimes i avoid you...

Which is ironic i guess, because i can't put my pride aside to ask you for your guidance that is nothing but love,

And at the same time, deep down inside, i want so bad to just have a hug.



I know you dont put me through anything really, becasue my own disobedience and choices cause me to find myself in certain situations.

And i know sometimes things that we go through aren't by choice, but lately mine seem pretty voluntary, and of my own creation.

I used to pray every night, and seems like my prayers get shorter and shorter,

(And I wonder why i feel broken and out of order)

But i used to pray at night for you to help me have a servant's heart....

And i try so hard Lord to keep that attitude, but you see the hard part,

Is that i can't always get pass myself to do what is so easy, but i always make it hard.

Lord you know i'm not perfect, and not at all what you've got in store for me

But i'm trying,

and i swear i'll do anything you want, if you just dont give up on me...

It's just so hard down here Lord,

Can't i just have a hug...



When i get down i remember how they say to never ask for a lighter load, but broader shoulders.

but Lord it seems like i'm too small to do it all alone, and carrying such a heavy load makes me off balance, and yet i wonder

Is that all a test of my faith and will, cause such a literal translation on my part is all my imagination, when really you probably just meant "ask for broader shoulders" as a testament to just have faith.

Trust you, without complaints or restraints.

And i swear i'ma do better at that, cause i'll never blame you, for my pain.

But Lord you gotta help me stop blaiming others.

I know sometimes it may be because of someone else that i view the blessings you bestowe upon me as burdens.

But that falls back on me, because i should have that heart that will do for others, even if that means i compromise my comfort, to help my friends

Or, i should remember that too much of anything is not a good thing, and sometimes, things aren't my burden to carry,
i mean, blessings

'cause in every blessin' these's a lesson, and it might not have been mine to learn.

So Lord, I'ma do better.

Seems like i can't see the sunshine for always finding the clouds,

So afraid that there may be a storm coming in my life.

And in the process of being cautious, I'm becoming anything but positive, and less spirited,

My worries are occupying where faith should be,

but you can't blame me,

Lord, I'm only human.

I try to shake free the gravity of resentment and negative energy,

because i can't breath and take in what it is i'm supposed to be

if my mind and heart aren't free,

Free enough to allow me to be fresh clay in your hands

But you can't blame me for not wanting to dissappoint you again.

You love me unconditionally,

Something i don't deserve

And i'm not passing judgement on your perceptions of what you feel deserve your love,

I'm just saying that i have a lot to live up to, and i already know that i'll always fall short from above

My application to Heaven is virtually blank, because the benefits far outweigh my qualifications,

and you dont know how much it hurts to be rejected,

Well, i know you do because they rejected Jesus too

i just know that i'm far from perfect, i'm not ready to go right now Lord,

'Cause i got a lot more work to do,

to get ready for you,

And you're all i got, that,

hasn't turned their back,

or lead me off track,

or told me to come back, because they just can't deal with me, or my problems today,

The only one who will not just tell me to find another way, but will come down and help me Make one.

So i can't let you down.

And maybe i need to look at the application again, and check my job duties, see what you want your angels to do

And i see things like, stay humble, be selfless, love EVERYONE, serve and obey you.

And you know what, I can do that, I swear i'll try

And all those times i fall short, and my tears cause me to be blind

And i just sit there, wanting some sort of comfort, something i can feel, to just make the pain go away

I'll stop depending on a person, who can never really give me what you can any day

And i know all i want is a hug sometimes Lord,

But thats my test of faith.

To be patient and loyal to you, without a physical representation ,

of you presence.

The desire to establish a deeper connectiong with you that feels physical, is my new motivation

and the essence, of the matter is

That every time i find the strength to carry on,

Everytime the sun breaks through the clouds in MY sky, and assures me that it's going to be a beautiful day, and all be okay after all,

Every time, through the heaviness of my heart, i find the strength to stop crying, and take a deep breath, and feel that hard pressure on my chest,



I know that's you, squeezing my soul, a hug only you can give....





*When I say… “I am a Christian” - I’m not claiming to be perfect,My flaws are far too visible, but, God believes I am worth it.
When I say… “I am a Christian” - I still feel the sting of pain.I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.
When I say… “I am a Christian” - I’m not holier than thou,I’m just a simple sinner who received God’s good grace, somehow....*



**It's a long road to Heaven....But i gotta get there........


~Ash




Sunday, July 20, 2008

*Lazy Angels.....*

I dont know everything there is to know about life. I 've been through a lot of things, and i've tried my best to learn from them and not run from them, and i haven't always come out perfect from them either---far from it, actually. However, there's one thing that I can say, with about as much confidence as I have right now, and that is, that you will never get farther in this life than a little ahead, or behind where you are, and have always been at, if you are a LAZY ANGEL... I believe that there is an angel in all of us, well, at least we all have the potential and intentions of our maker to fly one day, but its up to us, through humble gratitude, and faithful journies to awaken that angel inside. Some of us are born with the knowledge that we are good, and angelic, others take longer to just open the door, let out some steam, and allow our true reflections and that angel starring back at us to be seen in life's mirror; but none the less, it's there. And whenever you realize this, i feel that it's a disservice to not only yourself, but to others, and a slap in the face to God, to just carry your own wings. ...





Now I may not be the best angel in the world. I have attitude problems, and anger problems, but I wear them on my sleve, hoping to one day shake them off, and always taking the first step which is admitting your problems. But there's one thing that i do know about myself, that I would deem a good thing on my own personal T-chart check list of attributes, and that's that although my wings may have been drug through the mud, and aren't that far from the ground at times, at least they're still in motion.







I may not have all the right answers, or always know how to put a smile on someone's face, or how to reach them, or better someone. So many times I've had to change my approach to the same problems over and over and over again. But I never turn my back on things that I know can fly, or are blessings, even if they are in disguise at the moment. I never quit, and I always keep coming, trying to find another way, and if i can't find one, then i make my own.







Some of you out there may think they know more than me, or i can't talk because i''m not perfect, but you know what you're right, but at least i give EVERYTHING my best shot. I love myself, because Jesus thinks I'm to die for, but thats it. I love others most, and give my best to their cause. Can you honestly say you live like that? I may not have all the right methods, But see i can work on that. At least I ALWAYS have the right, and most sincere intentions.....and that speaks volumes.





Dont be a lazy angel today. Cause although you may keep things "cool", you'll never make anything better, and you're always going to be hurting someone, because there's always gonna be someone who knows you're not living up to your full potential. And stop trying to please people and be around people all the time who dont promote the same things you know you were programmed to work for. The two can't mix, and while you're pleasing everybody else, you're sacrificing valuable time on your mission, and will run the risk of being so late to your destination in life, that you miss it altogether, or end up there alone.







My wings get use all the time,



May be flying low sometimes, but i bet i'll keep you from falling,



What did you do today?







*If time is money, then I'm a Big Spender.......think about it....







~Ash






























Monday, July 14, 2008

*......the harder it is to surrender...*

The longer and more you fight for something, the harder it is to surrender. I know every day hasn't been a fairy tale, but Ronnie I love you, and everyday, I see clearer that you're my happy beginnning come true, because everytime I see your face, no matter how mad we are at each other, if we haven't seen each other for 2 weeks or 15 minutes, i still get butterflies, like the first time i ever saw you. that rush and excitement that makes me nervous and in awe, at the same time. i fall in love with you all over again, every day, and am in amazement that something like you could happen to me. Every time we take a fall, we get up stronger, all we gotta realize is that its not really Us who causes us to fall. Its not who you really are or who i really am who causes us to have problems, its the devil trying to take our eyes off of our dreams, our God, and the fact that we see both in each other. We are the ultimate fighters, because "Here we stand".... I love you. Know that. Sometimes i wish everyone would support us, take us seriously, and believe in us like we believe in them, and each other, but God made us and put us together. On the backs of our hearts it says, Made in Heaven, part one of two..(1/2 ; 2/2). We are but one dream, one of God's dreams, dwelling in two souls, for one soul couldn't hold it all.... and for me, that will always be enough......


never before you or behind you, i'll endure everything with you 'cause i'm beside you, and that way, i have equal opportunity to do both, you u need me to.
See you at the finish line....... 'cause i'm in it for the long run....

~ash

Sunday, June 15, 2008

* I'm Lost....*

So here I am again. Lost. And I'm stopping at the same place I always do,to ask for directions...
tired of driving on this road second guessin'
And did I mention, that I'm now running barefoot, cuz i totaled my car a long time ago.
I been forcing my "special hand-crafted legs"to go in directions they weren't programed to go....
not without my wings,
and even for the most part, they were made to simply stand,
the definition of "a giving tree"is all that I am....
But needless to say, I'm running.
To the same lantern in the darkess where i found my light the last time i lost my way.
and the man who's always there, always knows what to say
i say "I'm lost, i dont know what to do"
He says " well,my child,tell me what happened to you"
"Well," i say,"I was on the path, that you once lead, and i remembered the directions that you once said, and i was doing fine. And then i saw this wonderful man who was broke down on the side of the road.
he looked so kind, and i knew had to be going somewhere important, if i'd meet him on my path, and he was carrying a heavy load.
So i stopped to help him,when know one else would. I told him he could ride with me, it was okay to leave his broken car behind, that sometimes change is good.
So we traveled together for what seemed like forever, seemed he'dbeen with me for my whole life time.
And he showed me this painting in the sky, and taught me that paradise is a State of Mind. Together we saw the most beautiful scenary either one of us had ever seen.
His company meant more to me,than the sweetest dream.
And then one day he got side tracked, and said he was tired of being just a passenger.
I said dont you know that we're in this together?
He said that he was the man, he has dreams to achieve.
Said he needed to get a new car for him, and I said, well what about me?
he said, oh, you can come too, there's no me without you, just followmy lead.
So I did, but he just drove so fast,
always making quick turns, not even stopping for gas*.
Somehow i got so caught up in following him, trusting him and always wanting to support his dreams, that i forgot the directions you had given, just as he was forgetting me.
So i keep calling him, expressing my frustration, but he just got angry with me, saying I was messing up his concentration.
So I drove with narrow vision, to keep up with him,
because i thought, if he breaks down again, who's going to stop and help him?
But he never slowed down to wait for me, and the more i cried, the harder it was for me to see. And then I crashed my car, into a glass wall, after swerving around a turn that was blinding.
And now in this glass, much like a window, i see me, and visions of my visions dying.
So I didn't know what elseto do,
but go back to the last place that i felt safe, and come right back to you..."
And the man said,"Well, that's quite a story, you went for quite a ride.
And i know you forgot my directions, but you also missed the signs....
they were posted along the road, for the both of you to see,
they read Wrong Way, Dead end ahead, seems like you both forgot where you were supposed to be.
And i'm sorry that you crashed your car, and nothing to do now but wait.
For he'll reach that dead end soon, and you'll be that roadside passenger he'll have to take.
And if he doesn't, or the wait grows too long,
you got to get back on the path,that you once let me lead, turn off the radio,and listen to your hearts song.
And i know you're hurt,and the scars of another's unlearned lessons are always tough to bear. But it's a long road to Heaven, and you gotta get there....."

Friday, May 30, 2008

*The Road to ....... anywhere worth going.....*

Today I went to the park with the only real CONSISTENT friend I have left besides Brandi. Besides some unfortunate, unnccessary conversations, and a few tears, I had a nice time. I read some of Obama's book, The Audacity of Hope, for a little mental stimulation, and just laid on my back and looked at the vast sky above me; feeling undoubtly small. When we first got to the park, it was mad hot, and I thought we'd never get to the place we were going to set up our blanket and just relax. But when we were leaving, and finally got to the car, Jackee said, "Now didn't the walk going back seem a whole lot shorter than the walk going? That's how it always is, getting there always takes longer than getting back." She laughed, and got in the car. And as I did i took one last glance at the path we had just walked, and thought about the days events, situations, and thoughts.

A Yiddish Proverb says, "From success to failure is one step; from failure to success is a long road" I thought this quote fitting for my epiphany for today. Anything worth having in this world, whether it be a meaningful relationship, a significant job, nuturing friendships, a sound, fulfilling education, all of these things, once obtained, are deemed as successes. Its a long road to get to this place, and it's so easy to get back to where you were. Many times we try to build something, to grow into whoever we aspire to be, be all that we can be and more, and sometimes it gets hard, that road seems just too long; its much easier to slip back into the way we were, the life we used to live. Failure can come with one simple step. However sucess is a long road, and it always seems like it takes longer to get there, than it does to get back to nothing, or where you've come from. Today at the park I saw a cardinal. I was just talking to Ronine the other day about CArdinals and Blue Jays. Hadn't seen one in awhile. And I saw it just as i was crying and thinking that success was too far out of my reach, and giving up. And although even today, it took us a while to get there, God showed me somethings, gave me a sign with a simple bird to keep on flying in his direction, the one I've been struggling to go in for a long time now.

So in closing, everything worth having in this world requires sacrifice, patience, love strong enough and powerful enough to endure, and faith. So success in all I deem worthy of my best efforts and praise, I know that to get there is not gonna be easy, and a heavy load to bear, but God don't make mistakes, so I gotta get there.....


when others want to run, i'll choose to stand,

~ash

Saturday, May 17, 2008

*Be Careful What You Pray For..........*



I was talking with my friend Jessica about how God answers our prayers the other day. The things we came up with are seeming to bite me in the A**. Lately I've been going through a lot of things, feeling like my best is never enough for anyone. I finally found problems I can't fix, being afraid I'm in love but turning down a one way street, and getting another dose of the reality that you can't change people, you can only plant the seed. That used to be so easy for me, but no so much anymore. The answers to life are so simple, no body ever said it was going to be easy, but why do we make it so hard? I still can't figure out why someone who lives like me, and thinks more about another that she does herself, who doesn't think her own successes in life without first giving thanks to the person in her life who helped her get there, or those that God placed in her life to share all that life brings her, is never enough for no one. Why do we run from ourselves? All the things we run towards are things created by man, things to distract us from our missions on this earth, or those that really matter. We can always take the easy way out. Not wanting to deal with issues because it's so much easier to just think about something else, to numb ourselves. Well I've never been much of a runner. I take the blunt of ever blow of life, and it' s beating me up right now..... All I want is someone in my corner, to patch me up a bit when it gets rough, whisper some encouraging loving words in my ear and give me that push to get right back in; cuz anyone who knows me knows I never quit at anything that's important to me or worth the fight. But as things get cloudy and I'm losing my sources of sunshine, I realized maybe this is what I wanted. So I write this for any one who is running today or confused, of doesn't want to realize that they are not a strong as they thought they were, or wanted to be.....: When we pray for strength, does God just give us strength or does he put us in situations that cause us to be strong? When you pray for you and someone you love to have strength and be able to make it work, does God just come in and fix everything, or does he put us in situations that provide us the opportunity to be strong enough to realize what he's blessed us with, and put us in situations that cause us to come together, to hold on to one another, to need one another, and see just how much better off we are with the person, or together. A wise man in my life told me that everything we do in life is nothing more than a choice; a decision. If that be true, then when we pray for something, God answers us with opportunities to make better choices. He can't mess with our free will (compliments of Bruce Almighty..lol), but it's true. So he hears our prayers, and provides us with opportunities, good or bad, to make the right choice, to make the decision to be strong, and see what he's trying to tell us. Maybe sometimes, when we think we're going through a lot of the same types of things, maybe the problem is that we aren't making the right choices. We want things to work out, but we don't use negative circumstances, or hard times to draw each other close, instead of running and distancing ourselves from God's blessings. He doesn't make mistakes when he gives you a Gift. You earned that, and if we keep running from the opportunity to come together, even as people, then he will keep making those same situations arise, so that we realize that we have to try something different, and then we'll see the other for who they are.....As we'll look deep into their eyes and see Jesus, and then it'll hit us, and we'll wonder why we couldn't have figured it out a long time ago.

I always say dont let God show you who's God, or to wake up. When you're blessed, work hard at appreciating those blessings, because a lot of people in this world aren't as fortunate.

"It don't take all day to recognize the sunshine....."


>>~* So on a personal note....to the my bestfriend, and Love of my life......

"You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine,
You make me happy,
When skys are grey
You'll never know Dear,
How much I love you
So please don't take,
My sunshine away......;-)"


And also.......
"I'd rather have bad times with you,
Than good times with someone else.
I'd rather be beside you in a storm,
Than safe and warm by myself.
I'd rather have hard times TOGETHER,
Than to, have it easy apart,
I'd rather have the one, who holds
.....my heart......."
I love you~
You're Walking Alarm Clock,
Ash~


Tuesday, April 29, 2008

*Passin' me by.........

You ever think about life so much, it just seems to be passin' you by? Thats what i was thinking about walking to school today to meet up with my partner for this group project. I was thinking about how broke I am, and the all the work I need to do, and what Ronnie is doing, or my mom, sister, my DAD, today's his 54th birthday, and life in general. I was looking at the sky, where I often find peace, and thinking about all the things that i get caught up in, in this world, that make me feel like these things i dont have are so bad. Then i was thinking about how i felt at that very moment, thinking that this is just college, and the story about that very day, that same path i walk every day, back and forth to school, when im sad, angry, crying, or happy, and the story ima tell my kids about it all. Then i thought about my kids, and all the stories im going to have to tell them, and how they'll be, and who theyll become, and what ive put my parents through. thought about how ima feel when i have to work so hard to help my 20 year old child out; started to feel bad, like i need to practice making it more on my own. But then i stopped and i saw these 2 rabbits running in this person's yard. they were just hoppin along, following each other, and i started thinking about them. How does it feel to be a rabbit? where are they going? how lucky they must be, not having so much to worry about. And then i thought, maybe i dont have so much to worry about either. They were just being rabbits. Doing what they were meant to do, just be. and whatever happens, wherever life takes them, they are just gonna be there. and do what they do best... be a rabbit.

I know it may sound like im crazy, and im fully aware that i am.... but it made me realize a lot about life. I am just a woman, a person, a Godly woman, first and foremost, but that's it. Life is what you make it, but if i just focus on being that, being what I am, and stop worrying about falling short of what i'm trying to be all the time, if i can just be what i AM, a Godly woman, then everything else will be ok. I realized all of this as a friend on facebook asked me how i've been. I started listing all the things i started off talking about in this blog post, being broke, school, etc., when i realized something i'd heard a long time ago.

A man was sitting in the hospital waiting room and a cleaning woman came up to him and asked "how you?" , he thought obviously if he was in a awaiting room he must not be doing great... but he, being polite, replied, "i'm ok i guess, and how are you?" ... and she said, "Well, i'm blessed!"... The man, looking at the mop in her hand, thought for a moment, and said, "well i guess i'm blessed too." The woman, replied with force.."No!, you SAID you were just ok, you guess. Now you say you blessed. But i'm here to tell you, you cant be both. So are you gonna be blessed today, or are you just ok?"......And that story is so true. no matter what's going on in my life, i always have something to be thankful for. So am i just going to be ok? or blessed? .... i choose blessed. And if i consume myself with thinking about what i need to be, that im not yet, and get all stressed out, then i'm always going to just say i'm ok, and have something to complain about... so ima just try more to remind myself of who i am, a Godly woman, and tell people, you know what, I'm blessed, how bout you?

>>~ and i was almost thinking so much, that life, (those rabbits), almost passed me by......



"Rejoice always,
Pray without Ceasing,
and Give thanks in ALL circumstances..."

Almost forgot what i was about....

Always adding the wings to my words,

~ash

Thursday, April 24, 2008

*A Diamond in the rough-- check my dimensions....

I got diamond dimensions...

you may not see them just yet, but trust my intentions...

Learned to look though the storm, and find calm and listen....

learned to see myself in window as a vision....

I got diamond dimensions.



I do well under pressure....

wise one showed me what it means to be a surviveHER...

and no matter how hard I fall, I get up, trying to do it again a little better....

If you want your wings, sometimes you gotta be a go getta....

I got diamond dimensions.



you may not see the beauty in me,

the one who discovered the meaning of a caged bird's song said they'll never touch my inner mysteries,

But thank God I'm defined by cloudy boundaries,

to unravel my soul, you gotta dig deep

I have, diamond dimensions.



You may not be able to see it yet, for all that you put on me.

you try to burry under my own dispair, but a cross, three nails, and some thrones saved me.

So devil you may think that your winning because you tried to make me see nothing but coal in the mirror, a reflection of a forgotten sparrow of a girl

But you're only getting excited about my down time, for my perceptions are from out of this world.

I got diamond dimensions.....

*Almost got discouraged-- just for a sec....

found this poem on some sight with poems on it--- great description, i know..lol. But man the end of the semester got me feeling like I'm looking uphill at a long road, to wherever this thing called "life" is taking me. however, with that said, this poem made me think, and feel a lil better,... mostly made me think, but thats always a good thing....made me realize that when you got so much good in you, and God was something great he wants you to do in this life, the more the devil tries to break your spirits ya know.. He's good. Always comin up with many ways to do it, every year something else it seems.and now he's convincing me, that I dont have it in me, to do whatever I'm trying to do... . that's i'm loosing my motivation, ...taking on the disguise of my own Deception.... I say nah, I just forgot some things, thats all......A wise angel-friend of mine (Miss I fight to have flight, go ahead and wing me, B), once told me, "that if the devil would've known how I'd be after the storm, he would've never bothered me in the first place...." I must have forgot that my final form has Diamond dimensions, and the devil forgot what happens to me under pressure.... -note to the Devil, thanks for setting me up..;-)...


Third eye crying

Fear has taken hold of me,
Won't let my spirit fly free,
Keeping me a prisoner within me
Seeking out my insecurities,
And using them against me.
My is vision blurred,
Because my Third eye is crying,
Seeing visions of my visions dying.
Lost in the 3D animated Matrix
Unable to stay focused on my foundation
Close to accepting this unreal perception
When my Brother reminded me
That all of this is only deception that's
Trying to break the connection that
Keeps me connected to the Source of Energy
That my soul needs
That Energy that I receive when I remember how to breathe
And set my spirit free from negative energy.



I always say the Devil takes his best diguise when he's inside us..... Dont be fooled my friends, I'm not anymore......

Never discouraged, but rather encouraged....

Changing my lifestyle,

Ash~




Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Behold the God - Man crucified

The perfect sinless sacrifice

As blood ran down those nails and wood

History was split in two...



Behold the empty wooden tree

His body gone, alive and free

We sing with everlasting joy

For sin and death have been destroyed



May I never lose the wonder

The wonder of the cross

May I see it like the first time

Standing as a sinner lost

Undone my mercy and left speechless

Watching wide eyed at the cost

May I never lose the wonder

......The wonder of the cross......



Many people say we shouldn't focus on the "cross", because its a symbol of the death of Jesus, and he's not dead. He's alive. This is true, which is why ever night, I thank God for the Empty cross. However, I will never cease to be in wonder of the cross. It represents to me the ultimate sacrifice and example of love. That MY God, my almighty God in Heaven, sent his perfect, only son, to die a brutal death, to save someone like me. I vow to always see the crosss, just like the first time, never in vain, or comfortable, but as a humble, thankful, servant of God.



We should not be afraid to look at the cross, to recognize what happened on that cross, on calvary. Yes, it was horrific, painful to remember and look at times. Its not easy to look at our Lord like that, dying on a cross. But we should sometimes, especially when we forget who made all this we have in this life possible. When we treat others badly, and hurt others, and live for ourselves, we should remember what a cost is was, that is paying for our sins. We should always look at the Cross to keep us humble, and remind us why we serve, why we MUST love one another, because with his arms stretched out, like a father saying to his children......







"He loves you TTTTHHHHIIIISSSSS much......" ~think about it......











*I pray that you see Jesus.........*



I went to church on Easter Sunday, and at first I was a little offended. My main pastor, who doesn't really preach at our campus anymore was back for this particular service; guess it was a special occasion. I dont really agree with some of his view points and opinions that come through in his sermons; him being a vietnam veteran and republican in the strongest form give us much to see differently on. He had made some remarks about Oprah and the upcoming election that didnt sit well with me, however, he told a story that truly changed my perspectives on a lot. Something i'd always thought about, but never found the words to put it down until now.....




He told of how back in the early 70s, he was volunteering in West Virginia with this group of people, mainly vets, all Christian, and they were helping organize some charity events for children, working with local churches. He had been working closely with a woman, in her 60s probably, and they had formed a close relationship-nothing like that, just one of mutual respect and company; she sharing he life lessons and wisdom, and he listening to ever word. One day, as they were about to wrap up planning for a certain event, he walked in with his uniform on, and sat down to discuss the final details. Before they had gotten far into the conversation, she said in a low voice starring him in the eyes..."You look just like him..."




He, knowing full well when someone changes subjects in the middle of something, there an important reason, so he, looking back at her replied, "well, may I ask, look like who?" she said "ya know, i had a hard time having him you know. The pregnancy was difficult, so he was our only child. But oh how healthy and strong he grew up to be. He was 6'3" tall, around 215Ilb. He played basketball and football, and was in the top of his class. Just an all around good kid, couldnt ask for more. When he graduated high school, he decided he wanted to join the army, so he did. and he did so well. He would always write letters to us, and even his grandma every week. We were all so close to him. After he finished his four years, he decided that wasnt enough, so he became a para-trooper, and in the top ranks of the air force. He still wrote up every day, and we got to see him once of twice. How nice he looked in his uniform. and then the letters started becoming shorter and shorter, and one after noon, when my husband and I went outside to leave for church,that car was in the drive way.




They said he wasnt dead, but he was badly wounded, and would be returning home. His father and I knew that he would need our full, around the clock care, so we transformed our home into a handicapped accessible place, just for him, building ramps, rails, removing doors, etc. His father quit his job; that was his only son, and he needed him, he needed us. So we went to the airport to pick him up, and when he stepped off that plane, I barely recognized him. His uniform hung off his body, and he was almost un-recognizable. But we were still so proud of him. We took him home and took care of him, spent time with him, and loved him every day. Bathing him, helping him dress himself, feed himself. We'd take him to see his grandmother, and drive him to the top of the hill were you can watch the sunset. One morning, while his father was runnig some bath water for him, my son wanted to be independent, test his strength and decided that he would try to take his clothes off and get ready on his own. and then we heard him fall to the ground,screaming in tears.....We had forgotten to remove one mirror on the back of a closet door. that was the first time he'd ever seen what he looked like. He cried and cried asking, how could they do this to me? how could they do this to me?




He seemed to lose all hope after that. He grew weaker. We tried to keep him uplifted, taking him to his grandmothers house and to the hill, but something was lost. until finally, one sunday evening, we took our son to the hill where the sunsets, for the last time......




He was my pride and joy, my only son. A wonderful man, loved the Lord, served his country, and I couldn't have asked for more. and when you walked through that door, with that uniform on, those creases in your pants, and those army metals on you chest; that gleam in your eyes, you looked just like him........"






And his question for the congregation was....."Who do you remind someone of?" when someone looks at you, who do they see?"......And I say, I pray that they see Jesus.....




"Just in case your world seems full of sorrow,


or you cant find the strength to give you best to tomorrow,


Just in case you feel like no one understands you, or knows you,


just in case you feel lost, wondering if anyone ever knew you,


Just in case you live your whole life, and you cant find the strength to count your victories for you constantly find yourself in the midst of a battle,


Just in case you better that your beliefs in better days have failed you, and you just want something to matter,


Just in case you make it someday, and achieve all of your dreams,


you find love in all the faces of those around you, and everyone you know believes,


Just in case sometime you forget to give thanks to the one who made it all possible,


Or maybe no ever told you how you could be saved, and Heaven doesnt seem logical,


just in case you feel you cant go on, and you used to the rain,


and no one ever told you how someone in the sky shares your pain,


Just in case you think no one cares, and you can't do it all alone,


and you have no idea that you destiny is reserved in a place you can call home,




.....I pray that you see Jesus........




When you look into my eyes I pray that you see Jesus.


If you never see me again, I pray that when you look at me, and know that something in me loves you, because I carry Jesus inside of me, and thats what you see.


I pray that my words bring you comfort, and hope, wisdom, and courage to do the impossible, think the inpossible, and believe the impossible, because you will feel that something about my smile, something about my stlye, somethig about my mild demeanor, and faith as a believer, seems so possible, because I pray that through me, you see Jesus.


...and even if I dont know you, if i've never met you a day in my life, I want you to know that I've thought about you. I'm thinking about you right now, as im writing this. Know that I pray for you, and that someone out there loves you, and believes in you, and I hope one day, whenever we cross paths, ......I pray that you see Jesus......


Thursday, March 20, 2008

*if i have to, i'll be your once in a lifetime......*

I been doing a lot of thinking. And no poetry in this, just the truth in my heart. Ronnie, I love with all of my heart. You are a phenomenal man. You are divinely blessed and marked with a mission upon you from God. And I've been talking to God about it, and i feel that i'm at a cross roads with how to advise you on the path you should take, for the rest of your life. and then i realized that that decision was never in my hands to begin with.



This doesnt have anything to do with my thinking you dont love me, or want to be with me in the future, but rather its about your future, and God's mission for your life. you are so gifted. At night i thank God for everything about you; your characteristics, your mind, body, soul, thoughts, feelings, strengths, weaknesses, presence, essence, talents, and your intentions, and more...... you can be anything you'd want to be. you have such a natural business instinct and way with people. You are good at any trade you attempt to master. you could do so well with that area. you are so smart. You could be the psychologist i've always wanted to be. Because of the way you have with people, the fact that you are just kind, and understanding in all circumstances, the fact that you never judge and you're always positive. you think anything, any solution is possible. your "superman" mentality, truly believing that you can fix anything, and if not, you can talk to God and He'll make a way; i believe in you and i know you could maybe counsel people, help them in that sort of field. you are an astounding writer. You have a way with words and a natural sincerity about what you have to say, with no training what so ever on how to do so. you're genuine. Capable of anything. you could write books, write for magazines, newspapers, anything. You are great with cars, which goes back to business. you can already fix anything, you have business skills, and people skills, and people like you and they trust you. they know you'll always help them out and never let them down. Something like that would be so easy for you to do. you have a way with kids. you can reach then on another level, understand them in ways unimaginable. you would make a phenomenal teacher. or even a coach, to help young kids strive to achieve thier dreams and touch lives and introduce God to so many young lives, providing them with a positive example of a Man of God, every day........Which takes me to basketball......



I see people. And i see you. i see something in you of greatness. you have a gift. you can probably be the next Micheal Jordan if you wanted to. I believe in you 100%. That is your passion, and your love. And i want you to try. i want u to just see if you can make it, just so you'll never have to sit back and ask yourself what if? but the main reason i want you to try is because i want you to be happy. i want you to be doing something you love, and live a life of no regrets.



So now i want to tell you i love you.... (ok, I'm a cry now...) I love you with all my heart. you are everything to me. like i've said before you've changed the dimensions of my soul. Made me a better Christian, (and that says a lot about a man with that ability). I'm now a better daughter. sister, woman, girlfriend, friend, student, listener, lover, etc..... the list could go on and on.....When im not with you, or we're a part, i feel empty inside and i asked myself the other day did that make me weak. I've felt that before when i got my heart broken over a year and a half ago. And after all this time of me growing and becoming a better person, how can i now feel empty again with just the thought of not being with someone for the rest of my life. and i see now that that only makes me strong and accomplished. For i have found the rest of my story. You were the gift God had made for me, the dream that i could've never conceived myself, but the one that only life itself could've brought me. When we got together, part of my soul became united with you. you didnt fill me up and complete a half of me that wasnt whole before; for God makes all things complete, he dont half step on his creations.... but, you ARE half of me. I came from your rib. we were cut out of the same fabric. we've been woven together in time and space, we just never knew it. And when im not with you, or have the thought of losing you, i feel sick, because of how connected i am to you. if i lose you now i lose myself because we've already become one. And NO ONE can ever take the place of that. you restored me to my original condition, and i couldn't ask for more than that. Ill never leave you and ill support you with anyhing you do that God has instructed you on. Because i believe, in him, and you.



So im torn because i recently found out that UNCG doesnt really have try outs for their basketball team i dont think. so it would be EXTREMELY difficult for you to get on their team. Which kind of messes things up because i think you were planning on coming here. We had things all planned out. We were going to start practicing the rest of our lives together. figuring out how to make this thing called life work. together all the time, helping each other, motivating each other, growing, and building something beautiful, together. and now i dont know if thats what's best.



dont get me mistaken. I want you here with me. Selfishly i want you here everyday, all day, just you and me. however more than that, i want you to be happy. And i know on the other hand, basketball makes you happy. so what to do. Part of me says go back to State. you have better connecttions there. you were EXTREMELY lucky to get in before, to be at the top of your game there, to practice with the girls basketball team, to know the coaches. you have a nationally known scout that can look out for you there, the odds for you are better there. My best friend and your cousin, Jessica used this analogy to describe what may be happening in this situation and circumstance.,... you know how when you're driving and you're using a navigation system to help you get to your destination. and sometimes you get off track. you get completely lost, and cant find your way. but then that navigation system can find you, and re-calculate your position, and make another way for you to get back to your destination.....so the question is, where is that destination? If your original plan, where God worked his miracles to get you into State, and you got side tracked, but this has just been his way of re-routing you back to your original route and destination, then do what you have to do. Remember, you are on a mission.



which FINALLY brings me to my point....

I love you. you going to state will be hard for me. I know what happend there. I feel like a mother kind of, like i rescued you, and i have kept you with me in my arms for all this time, this past 9, 10 months. i've watched you grow into something wonderful. more than what i ever could've dreamed of. i feel like you're safe with me. i KNOW that i can protect you, and ensure that you acheive greatness. I KNOW that with me you'll be safe. you never have to walk alone again. that you'll always have everything that you need, and feel love like no other can provide besides God himself. I never want anything bad to happen to you again. I dont want you to get in with the wrong crowd, to be around people that dont know you like i do, dont love you like i do, who dont appreciate the beauty of you like i do. i dont want you to mess up again. I dont want you to falter from the God in you again. or to stray away. Im better because of you, and you're better because of me, and i wish we could just be better together and everyday go at this thing called life together, just making it together. but i'm fully aware of the fact that "only in a perfect world do things work out how i'd like". Im afraid, like if i let you go to fly on your own without me, that you may find someone else waiting there who God placed down the road to be in your life. I;m not saying that we should break up. i believe that we WERE meant to be and we can be, it'd just be a little harder. I'll always be there for you. But still i wonder what if this is just God's way of getting you back on the right track and there's someone else waiting in store for you, maybe even better than me. WHAT IF I WAS JUS T MEANT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE TO GET YOU FROM POINT A TO POINT B, A SEASONAL PERSON, AND NOT MEANT FOR YOUR LIFETIME....? what if i was just supposed to help you grow and you help me, but that's it? it may sound like im just doubting you and us, or i worry too much, but hey, it could happen. but then i think about how a love like ours doesnt happen everyday. you did not come into my life by accident, or coincidence. So it must be right this time. In my heart i truly believe you are the ONE for me.



But....

i just wanted to write all of this, ALL this long story to tell you this. That even if im not the one for you, (ok, im crying again),.... but even if im not, if i have to.....

I'll be your once in a lifetime.............



I'll be that with a sense of pride, purpose and grace. I'll be that person to come into your life, just once, and love you more than the life i live myself. i'll be your once in a lifetime, if we must fade from each other's lives like a cool summer's breeze, that's what i'll be. Because i love you that much, i believe in you that much, and being honored and blessed to find, meet, and get to know and love someone like you only happens once in a lifetime anyway, and im thankful that once in my lifetime, i was lucky to have something like you, happen to me....





so i thank you......



Wednesday, March 12, 2008

*Love ya self....*




In order to be truly happy with another, you must first learn to love yourself.


For how can you expect another to love you, when you dont?


You want another to give their all, but you wont,


We dont give our best to ourselves,


and so we seek completion for a soul that never had holes to begin with.


And so we refuse to quit.


We refuse to let go,


even if that which we are letting go of


never really was


best for us.


when you dont love yourself, you feel you need to be loved by another.


So many of us go out in search of that fine sista or brotha,


already setting ourselves up for failure.


Because we fail to realize,


that our eyes dont listen to our minds,


or know whats best for our hearts.


We want things we cant have,


not saying we cant have them,


but God wont let you,


because he wont let you fall into the hands of someone who doesnt love you like he do.


After all, didnt he send his son to die for you?


And why?


because thats what we're worth.


But we cant see that because we spend too much time preachin' about what we deserve,


like we did shit,


like we have wing- worthy accomplishments,


and we are owed the world too.


But know that no one is obligated to give a damn about you.


Or me, Only one person loves you unconditionally.


But as long as you keep making room in your heart for someone who doesnt have room in their heart for you,


you will forget to answer when God is calling to you.


He knocks on your soul, but u cant hear.


Because the devil takes his best disguise,


sending someone with pretty brown eyes,


to whisper in ya ear.


Until you get that little tingley feeling right in the heart of ya chest, everytime you hear Jesus name,


you will never be truley satisfied, no matter how good you do the damn thing.


Until you can be truly content looking in the mirror and only seeing yourself,


you will continue to be on a quest, if you dont ask for the right help.


We must learn to feed our souls, and not our bodily needs,


Because you being all that you are, will never be good enough to complete me.


you see i was already complete, and it took me awhile to see that,


I had to be knocked to the bottom, get up, and bounce back,


into the arms of an angel, who loved me the whole time unconditionally,


and then i learned how to love...... me...


*Product of Fear...*

~ because i get asked so many times .."what are you?"


Distance.

For years has been the cause of fear

Not because of distance

But the resistance

To change, what's been existent

For years.

You want to change a perception,

But not your conceptions,

Of perfection,

When upon reflection

You'll see that you're only injectin'

Rejection,Inside yourself.

For if no one is good enough for you,

Should you be good enough for them?

If everyone shared the thoughts you did,

We'd all bear cold souls,

and hearts of sin.

And this ongoing battle will be impossible to win.

We are all created equally,

And reflectively,

In the image of our Heavenly,

Lord.

And inevitably,

Destiny,

Will determine our fate,

And hate,

Will have your last word.

Fabrications,

Classifications,

Humiliations,

Even segregation,

Are all figments of our imaginations.

And you may say

Harmony

Is an anomaly

For your corrective policies

Havent' changed anything

But today I'm standing here....

Some good can come,

when two worlds become one,

For I am a

Product ofFear.....

*I've Fallin in Love with the Sky.......*


I've recently fallen in love with the sky. And i find myself thinking about my life, asking myself why. But not for negative reasons live i've done in the past, but because of how lucky i feel at last. So i look to the sky to see my answer. As i do i see so many of God's works of art. The sunrise, faces in clouds, and shooting stars. I wonder why it took so long to appreciate or notice something that has been in the path of every answer to every question i've ever had. In hard times, i look upward and find hope and inspiration from the Heavens, but never paid attention to this presence in between. Now i wake up everyday and appreciate and thank God for this, my sky. He painted it just for me. He reflects his love in art as he made the eyes staring back at me. They encompass my dreams, and came just in time. Helped me learn that Paradise is all a state of mind. And now i get to share my life with the thing i go through every day to get closer to God when i fly; Because i woke up, and looked into your eyes, and fell in love with the sky.........