*thought i needed a hug, what i got was Word to have faith....*

Brandi is the one who motivated me to go ahead and put up this. I know why she may save something, but Lord only knows why I save things to put up here, Lord its only me, you and her, than ever read these any way. SO here goes nothing...... but my truth.....





Lord, I need a hug.

Talking to you is great, but sometimes I just need to feel you.

And i guess my relationshp with you should be strong enough that i feel your presence in my mind and heart, and through the tears too,

But i can't help but sometimes feel like i want more, that that just isn't enough.



Lord! I just need a hug....



Life aint no picnic, and i know i'm not telling you anything you dont already know.

It's just that sometimes i get so discouraged, and i can't figure out which way to go.

And i feel like i'm walking through life like Lazarous, but i dont even have enough faith to receive the blessing i need, so i can find find my own way

Instead of just trusting your voice, I either am too afraid to venture out into my own doubt filled darkness, or just stay in a place called frustration, and fall on me knees and pray.

Which is about the most humble thing i do, for you.

I feel like a child who has heard the right things to do so many times, and never follows through.

And am afraid to hear "I told you so", so sometimes i avoid you...

Which is ironic i guess, because i can't put my pride aside to ask you for your guidance that is nothing but love,

And at the same time, deep down inside, i want so bad to just have a hug.



I know you dont put me through anything really, becasue my own disobedience and choices cause me to find myself in certain situations.

And i know sometimes things that we go through aren't by choice, but lately mine seem pretty voluntary, and of my own creation.

I used to pray every night, and seems like my prayers get shorter and shorter,

(And I wonder why i feel broken and out of order)

But i used to pray at night for you to help me have a servant's heart....

And i try so hard Lord to keep that attitude, but you see the hard part,

Is that i can't always get pass myself to do what is so easy, but i always make it hard.

Lord you know i'm not perfect, and not at all what you've got in store for me

But i'm trying,

and i swear i'll do anything you want, if you just dont give up on me...

It's just so hard down here Lord,

Can't i just have a hug...



When i get down i remember how they say to never ask for a lighter load, but broader shoulders.

but Lord it seems like i'm too small to do it all alone, and carrying such a heavy load makes me off balance, and yet i wonder

Is that all a test of my faith and will, cause such a literal translation on my part is all my imagination, when really you probably just meant "ask for broader shoulders" as a testament to just have faith.

Trust you, without complaints or restraints.

And i swear i'ma do better at that, cause i'll never blame you, for my pain.

But Lord you gotta help me stop blaiming others.

I know sometimes it may be because of someone else that i view the blessings you bestowe upon me as burdens.

But that falls back on me, because i should have that heart that will do for others, even if that means i compromise my comfort, to help my friends

Or, i should remember that too much of anything is not a good thing, and sometimes, things aren't my burden to carry,
i mean, blessings

'cause in every blessin' these's a lesson, and it might not have been mine to learn.

So Lord, I'ma do better.

Seems like i can't see the sunshine for always finding the clouds,

So afraid that there may be a storm coming in my life.

And in the process of being cautious, I'm becoming anything but positive, and less spirited,

My worries are occupying where faith should be,

but you can't blame me,

Lord, I'm only human.

I try to shake free the gravity of resentment and negative energy,

because i can't breath and take in what it is i'm supposed to be

if my mind and heart aren't free,

Free enough to allow me to be fresh clay in your hands

But you can't blame me for not wanting to dissappoint you again.

You love me unconditionally,

Something i don't deserve

And i'm not passing judgement on your perceptions of what you feel deserve your love,

I'm just saying that i have a lot to live up to, and i already know that i'll always fall short from above

My application to Heaven is virtually blank, because the benefits far outweigh my qualifications,

and you dont know how much it hurts to be rejected,

Well, i know you do because they rejected Jesus too

i just know that i'm far from perfect, i'm not ready to go right now Lord,

'Cause i got a lot more work to do,

to get ready for you,

And you're all i got, that,

hasn't turned their back,

or lead me off track,

or told me to come back, because they just can't deal with me, or my problems today,

The only one who will not just tell me to find another way, but will come down and help me Make one.

So i can't let you down.

And maybe i need to look at the application again, and check my job duties, see what you want your angels to do

And i see things like, stay humble, be selfless, love EVERYONE, serve and obey you.

And you know what, I can do that, I swear i'll try

And all those times i fall short, and my tears cause me to be blind

And i just sit there, wanting some sort of comfort, something i can feel, to just make the pain go away

I'll stop depending on a person, who can never really give me what you can any day

And i know all i want is a hug sometimes Lord,

But thats my test of faith.

To be patient and loyal to you, without a physical representation ,

of you presence.

The desire to establish a deeper connectiong with you that feels physical, is my new motivation

and the essence, of the matter is

That every time i find the strength to carry on,

Everytime the sun breaks through the clouds in MY sky, and assures me that it's going to be a beautiful day, and all be okay after all,

Every time, through the heaviness of my heart, i find the strength to stop crying, and take a deep breath, and feel that hard pressure on my chest,



I know that's you, squeezing my soul, a hug only you can give....





*When I say… “I am a Christian” - I’m not claiming to be perfect,My flaws are far too visible, but, God believes I am worth it.
When I say… “I am a Christian” - I still feel the sting of pain.I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.
When I say… “I am a Christian” - I’m not holier than thou,I’m just a simple sinner who received God’s good grace, somehow....*



**It's a long road to Heaven....But i gotta get there........


~Ash