*if i have to, i'll be your once in a lifetime......*

I been doing a lot of thinking. And no poetry in this, just the truth in my heart. Ronnie, I love with all of my heart. You are a phenomenal man. You are divinely blessed and marked with a mission upon you from God. And I've been talking to God about it, and i feel that i'm at a cross roads with how to advise you on the path you should take, for the rest of your life. and then i realized that that decision was never in my hands to begin with.



This doesnt have anything to do with my thinking you dont love me, or want to be with me in the future, but rather its about your future, and God's mission for your life. you are so gifted. At night i thank God for everything about you; your characteristics, your mind, body, soul, thoughts, feelings, strengths, weaknesses, presence, essence, talents, and your intentions, and more...... you can be anything you'd want to be. you have such a natural business instinct and way with people. You are good at any trade you attempt to master. you could do so well with that area. you are so smart. You could be the psychologist i've always wanted to be. Because of the way you have with people, the fact that you are just kind, and understanding in all circumstances, the fact that you never judge and you're always positive. you think anything, any solution is possible. your "superman" mentality, truly believing that you can fix anything, and if not, you can talk to God and He'll make a way; i believe in you and i know you could maybe counsel people, help them in that sort of field. you are an astounding writer. You have a way with words and a natural sincerity about what you have to say, with no training what so ever on how to do so. you're genuine. Capable of anything. you could write books, write for magazines, newspapers, anything. You are great with cars, which goes back to business. you can already fix anything, you have business skills, and people skills, and people like you and they trust you. they know you'll always help them out and never let them down. Something like that would be so easy for you to do. you have a way with kids. you can reach then on another level, understand them in ways unimaginable. you would make a phenomenal teacher. or even a coach, to help young kids strive to achieve thier dreams and touch lives and introduce God to so many young lives, providing them with a positive example of a Man of God, every day........Which takes me to basketball......



I see people. And i see you. i see something in you of greatness. you have a gift. you can probably be the next Micheal Jordan if you wanted to. I believe in you 100%. That is your passion, and your love. And i want you to try. i want u to just see if you can make it, just so you'll never have to sit back and ask yourself what if? but the main reason i want you to try is because i want you to be happy. i want you to be doing something you love, and live a life of no regrets.



So now i want to tell you i love you.... (ok, I'm a cry now...) I love you with all my heart. you are everything to me. like i've said before you've changed the dimensions of my soul. Made me a better Christian, (and that says a lot about a man with that ability). I'm now a better daughter. sister, woman, girlfriend, friend, student, listener, lover, etc..... the list could go on and on.....When im not with you, or we're a part, i feel empty inside and i asked myself the other day did that make me weak. I've felt that before when i got my heart broken over a year and a half ago. And after all this time of me growing and becoming a better person, how can i now feel empty again with just the thought of not being with someone for the rest of my life. and i see now that that only makes me strong and accomplished. For i have found the rest of my story. You were the gift God had made for me, the dream that i could've never conceived myself, but the one that only life itself could've brought me. When we got together, part of my soul became united with you. you didnt fill me up and complete a half of me that wasnt whole before; for God makes all things complete, he dont half step on his creations.... but, you ARE half of me. I came from your rib. we were cut out of the same fabric. we've been woven together in time and space, we just never knew it. And when im not with you, or have the thought of losing you, i feel sick, because of how connected i am to you. if i lose you now i lose myself because we've already become one. And NO ONE can ever take the place of that. you restored me to my original condition, and i couldn't ask for more than that. Ill never leave you and ill support you with anyhing you do that God has instructed you on. Because i believe, in him, and you.



So im torn because i recently found out that UNCG doesnt really have try outs for their basketball team i dont think. so it would be EXTREMELY difficult for you to get on their team. Which kind of messes things up because i think you were planning on coming here. We had things all planned out. We were going to start practicing the rest of our lives together. figuring out how to make this thing called life work. together all the time, helping each other, motivating each other, growing, and building something beautiful, together. and now i dont know if thats what's best.



dont get me mistaken. I want you here with me. Selfishly i want you here everyday, all day, just you and me. however more than that, i want you to be happy. And i know on the other hand, basketball makes you happy. so what to do. Part of me says go back to State. you have better connecttions there. you were EXTREMELY lucky to get in before, to be at the top of your game there, to practice with the girls basketball team, to know the coaches. you have a nationally known scout that can look out for you there, the odds for you are better there. My best friend and your cousin, Jessica used this analogy to describe what may be happening in this situation and circumstance.,... you know how when you're driving and you're using a navigation system to help you get to your destination. and sometimes you get off track. you get completely lost, and cant find your way. but then that navigation system can find you, and re-calculate your position, and make another way for you to get back to your destination.....so the question is, where is that destination? If your original plan, where God worked his miracles to get you into State, and you got side tracked, but this has just been his way of re-routing you back to your original route and destination, then do what you have to do. Remember, you are on a mission.



which FINALLY brings me to my point....

I love you. you going to state will be hard for me. I know what happend there. I feel like a mother kind of, like i rescued you, and i have kept you with me in my arms for all this time, this past 9, 10 months. i've watched you grow into something wonderful. more than what i ever could've dreamed of. i feel like you're safe with me. i KNOW that i can protect you, and ensure that you acheive greatness. I KNOW that with me you'll be safe. you never have to walk alone again. that you'll always have everything that you need, and feel love like no other can provide besides God himself. I never want anything bad to happen to you again. I dont want you to get in with the wrong crowd, to be around people that dont know you like i do, dont love you like i do, who dont appreciate the beauty of you like i do. i dont want you to mess up again. I dont want you to falter from the God in you again. or to stray away. Im better because of you, and you're better because of me, and i wish we could just be better together and everyday go at this thing called life together, just making it together. but i'm fully aware of the fact that "only in a perfect world do things work out how i'd like". Im afraid, like if i let you go to fly on your own without me, that you may find someone else waiting there who God placed down the road to be in your life. I;m not saying that we should break up. i believe that we WERE meant to be and we can be, it'd just be a little harder. I'll always be there for you. But still i wonder what if this is just God's way of getting you back on the right track and there's someone else waiting in store for you, maybe even better than me. WHAT IF I WAS JUS T MEANT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE TO GET YOU FROM POINT A TO POINT B, A SEASONAL PERSON, AND NOT MEANT FOR YOUR LIFETIME....? what if i was just supposed to help you grow and you help me, but that's it? it may sound like im just doubting you and us, or i worry too much, but hey, it could happen. but then i think about how a love like ours doesnt happen everyday. you did not come into my life by accident, or coincidence. So it must be right this time. In my heart i truly believe you are the ONE for me.



But....

i just wanted to write all of this, ALL this long story to tell you this. That even if im not the one for you, (ok, im crying again),.... but even if im not, if i have to.....

I'll be your once in a lifetime.............



I'll be that with a sense of pride, purpose and grace. I'll be that person to come into your life, just once, and love you more than the life i live myself. i'll be your once in a lifetime, if we must fade from each other's lives like a cool summer's breeze, that's what i'll be. Because i love you that much, i believe in you that much, and being honored and blessed to find, meet, and get to know and love someone like you only happens once in a lifetime anyway, and im thankful that once in my lifetime, i was lucky to have something like you, happen to me....





so i thank you......

*Love ya self....*

In order to be truly happy with another, you must first learn to love yourself.

For how can you expect another to love you, when you dont?

You want another to give their all, but you wont,

We dont give our best to ourselves,

and so we seek completion for a soul that never had holes to begin with.

And so we refuse to quit.

We refuse to let go,

even if that which we are letting go of

never really was

best for us.

when you dont love yourself, you feel you need to be loved by another.

So many of us go out in search of that fine sista or brotha,

already setting ourselves up for failure.

Because we fail to realize,

that our eyes dont listen to our minds,

or know whats best for our hearts.

We want things we cant have,

not saying we cant have them,

but God wont let you,

because he wont let you fall into the hands of someone who doesnt love you like he do.

After all, didnt he send his son to die for you?

And why?

because thats what we're worth.

But we cant see that because we spend too much time preachin' about what we deserve,

like we did shit,

like we have wing- worthy accomplishments,

and we are owed the world too.

But know that no one is obligated to give a damn about you.

Or me, Only one person loves you unconditionally.

But as long as you keep making room in your heart for someone who doesnt have room in their heart for you,

you will forget to answer when God is calling to you.

He knocks on your soul, but u cant hear.

Because the devil takes his best disguise,

sending someone with pretty brown eyes,

to whisper in ya ear.

Until you get that little tingley feeling right in the heart of ya chest, everytime you hear Jesus name,

you will never be truley satisfied, no matter how good you do the damn thing.

Until you can be truly content looking in the mirror and only seeing yourself,

you will continue to be on a quest, if you dont ask for the right help.

We must learn to feed our souls, and not our bodily needs,

Because you being all that you are, will never be good enough to complete me.

you see i was already complete, and it took me awhile to see that,

I had to be knocked to the bottom, get up, and bounce back,

into the arms of an angel, who loved me the whole time unconditionally,

and then i learned how to love...... me...

*Product of Fear...*

~ because i get asked so many times .."what are you?"

Distance.

For years has been the cause of fear

Not because of distance

But the resistance

To change, what's been existent

For years.

You want to change a perception,

But not your conceptions,

Of perfection,

When upon reflection

You'll see that you're only injectin'

Rejection,Inside yourself.

For if no one is good enough for you,

Should you be good enough for them?

If everyone shared the thoughts you did,

We'd all bear cold souls,

and hearts of sin.

And this ongoing battle will be impossible to win.

We are all created equally,

And reflectively,

In the image of our Heavenly,

Lord.

And inevitably,

Destiny,

Will determine our fate,

And hate,

Will have your last word.

Fabrications,

Classifications,

Humiliations,

Even segregation,

Are all figments of our imaginations.

And you may say

Harmony

Is an anomaly

For your corrective policies

Havent' changed anything

But today I'm standing here....

Some good can come,

when two worlds become one,

For I am a

Product ofFear.....

*I've Fallin in Love with the Sky.......*

I've recently fallen in love with the sky. And i find myself thinking about my life, asking myself why. But not for negative reasons live i've done in the past, but because of how lucky i feel at last. So i look to the sky to see my answer. As i do i see so many of God's works of art. The sunrise, faces in clouds, and shooting stars. I wonder why it took so long to appreciate or notice something that has been in the path of every answer to every question i've ever had. In hard times, i look upward and find hope and inspiration from the Heavens, but never paid attention to this presence in between. Now i wake up everyday and appreciate and thank God for this, my sky. He painted it just for me. He reflects his love in art as he made the eyes staring back at me. They encompass my dreams, and came just in time. Helped me learn that Paradise is all a state of mind. And now i get to share my life with the thing i go through every day to get closer to God when i fly; Because i woke up, and looked into your eyes, and fell in love with the sky.........

*A Day in MY Life...*

Today i was telling my wonderful friend and inspiration Jackee about my life now, and all the things my boyfriend does for me. And it got me to thinkin that wow, i'm probably one of the luckiest girls in the world.So to my love, thank you.You always do your best and i cant ask anything more from anyone than what i expect from myself, which is my best. Which is exactly what you give me everyday. You drive hours every time you get the chance to come and see me. You make sure that ALL of my needs are met. And you deal with all the complications that come along not only with any female, but a girl like me.You try to understand every aspect of my life, putting up with my attitiudes and problems, and emotions with not one complaint. So to my love, thank you.You are always there for me. You think of a new way to show you love me each and everyday, whether you know it or not, and you never let me down. You are the most beautiful man i have ever seen, and you have been instructed by God on how to treat a woman. I am so lucky to have you.So to my love, thank you.Now, with every new day, i ask myself why do you love me so much? how could i be so lucky. After all the pain and heart ache ive had to deal with in my life, why now Lord, did you chose to make up for it all in one man. Why me? Why did you chose to bless me with someone with riches in spirit like a king, whom you made just for me? I may never have the answers to these questions. Some of life's greatest mysteries till this day still go unslolved, but for the first time in my life, i can say and truly mean it, that Im so thankful to be... me. All because you, my love chose to love me.......so thank you.....And for all those who have a problem with my relationship, i aint even mad at cha, i'd envy me too...;-)... keep ya head up...

*Courage to Love Again*

I usually dont do this..... ok ...i'm lying..lol.... but on a serious note...Its been a long time since i've done this. Got to admit, i thought i'd quit. See, My life fell sick to a thing called love. It was kind of like i was a caged dove, with a big sign on my face that read "out of order", because that was the state of my life. So i just looked at those who passed me by with sad eyes, knowing they'd find no peace today. I'd become sold out to ideas, living like a cast away inside myself. Only because at one time time i thought i knew what true love was. In truth im writing today because my significant other thought that i couldnt possibly love him as he does me, for ive been there before... so i had to think about it, and then set my record straight. he's was wrong. I never did completely know what true love was, so what i thought i had was only love's illusion. True love comes when 1 you are loved in return, and2 when u have fallen in love with Jesus first, to know what real love is. So you see, i never really had that. So i had to ask for the right help, take my own advice, and i found a man called Jesus along the way. He's always at the same place everytime i stray away. i had loved so hard that i hated, and i hated to love hard. I had laughed and then cried and cried about the times i laughed until it all turned into fear's silence, and then my silence began to sing. I didnt kno how free i was until i was trapped inside my own chest, and it was only when i was trapped in my own chest that i realized that i had been freed.... i found something in my heart that had always enabled me to fly. .... So now im on the right path. Its funny how i thought i'd found myself asking for directions to the same place i once was. But i decided to see some new scenery, and i embarked on a journey with no intentions to find love. It was all planned out to rediscover me. I had planned to travel through my skin, to my bones, and into my soul to make sure that the only thing residing there was God, wrapped in faith, and fed with love. Then i'd travel to my mind, and tongue to make sure only songs of praise were being sung. But it was as i moved to my hands, and up to my eyes that i got sidetracked by an outside emotion called fear, as i cast my gaze onto an angel. A man who's light shown so bright the sun was in danger. And who's destiny was meant to be in my life, like a script written in a manger. .....And thats when i found the courage to love again, for the first time....i was an angel with but one wing, and the devil had knocked me down and bruised me. He'd confused me and used me, but see God wasn't through with me. And when i met this man, my gift and angel, God whispered in my ear, step aside. That the storm was over, but my story wasnt. So Ronnie i do love u. For the first time i love in peace, without fear, and restraints. This time, for the first time, God has ensured me that i can win. Everything in my life has failed me. Everything i ever wanted to last didnt. And it was hard to measure my victories when i was constantly trying to beat the odds it seemed. But now i've found the right person, for the first time, and got an army of angels on my side. You've got me wantin and doin things i said i'd never do.Like travel to the end of the earth for u,just to see a sign that read "dead end", "wrong way", and had to turn around just to find you.4 broken hearts ...= almost 19 years of crying myself to sleepnever feeling like your best was enough...= 24 hour periods of self doubt.But having someone prove you and everyone else wrong...=...priceless...And for that, this time i refuse to quit, cuz i'm convinced it's legit.Got me having three-somes and shit,Who knew me, you, and God could feel so good...And yeh im a little selfish, and been thinkin bout getting your name tatted on my heart and eye lids... but only in reverse..So it can only be read within my heart, and since i dream, its the only way i can write your name across the sky.You're everything i never knew i always wanted, something like a dream come true, mixed with a little passion and devotion, with a side of faith and hope, all covered and insured by Allstate... cuz i know im in good hands.And for all this i want to thank you for giving me the courage to love, for the very first time..... again......