Nobody told me, the road would be easy, and I don't believe he's brought me this far, to leave me...*

I'm at a point in my life where from the outside looking in, it would seem like I have nothing, I know nothing, I have hit rock bottom, and my life is spinning out of control. Not only am I carrying the blessing and responsibility of life, but I'm in the process of convincing the one I created it with to stay.....to be by myside. To help me face this cruel judgemental world and build the future no one believes can exist for us. I have done everything I can do to to show my love, my love. I have loved him more than anyone else in his life who has no obligation to, but chose to. I have believed in him when he didnt believe in himself, and supported his dreams more than anyone else in his life ever has. I have always stood by him, and stood up for him, in every situation even if he wasnt there to stand up for himself, or didnt feel he should. I have prayed for him more than I do for myself, and allowed my second thought of every day to be of him, no matter what happened the night before, right after I think of how lucky I am to see another sunrise. I have poured my heart to him, and I can not accept that he is not the one for me. I believe in him too much, I believe in us too much. I have seen God in more things since he came into my life than I every have before, and I will never trade that, or him, for anything else--it's not worth it.



I just want to say that I love him, and I need him. I am willing to do whatever I have to, to show this man that we are worth it, and our mission and purpose in life being carried by me right now, and inteneded to be watered to help grow by US, is worth it. I am not afraid. I am willing to go against the odds, against the doubts, against the disapproval, because something in my heart says I've finally found something thats true, and something worth fighting for.



They say the "Devil never wins unless you don't fight...." He will NEVER win as long as this relationship and Family is up to me. But I can not convince him of where he should be. They say "Love, is a lot of things. It's varied-- one thing it can NEVER be, is unsure..." So I must leave things up to him. I am taking his advice and trying to be more positive. He has hurt me more than anyone, and I'm sure I've done the same to him, but I can only focus on the love of I have for him. How much he's changed my life. How he gave me life. I just hope he can appreciate me the same way, and love me for carrying and nuturing his life in me now as well. I chose this blessing, and I chose him... and I just pray he chooses me. But I have to let him go, I must give him to God. I must get out of God's way, and I hope our love and our lives together truly were written in the stars. I believe that.... I can no longer just be stranded in my reality, for if I do i'll be angry and sad until I die. I know that there is no sin in being weary though, the sin is in giving up.......





I love you, and I pass the ball to you....

G.A.M.E. Time

(God Answers Me Everytime)

*God Bless My Silent Tears....

God, bless my silent tears....

Bless all the tears that fell from my eyes unheard, all the times my voice fell on deaf ears. Bless the moments you and I shared alone, in the early hours of the morning, when out comes my darkest fears. For the moments when I realized I was in love alone.... and no matter where I went, I never felt at home, God bless my silent tears...

Please don't let all my efforts always go unnoticed, making me feel like I'm finished. And please don't let my despair at being unappreciated by those I love cause me to do your work for overdue recognition, clouding your true vision as pain misconstrues my intentions. Please help me grow in my faith in you, while not losing my faith in man. Let me not forget my beliefs in their good, as for me they never try to understand. And in my regrets, reminders of which found in every sad love song, let me not lose my ability to do my greatest gift, which is to love past myself. Help me learn to ask for the right help.... and when I do, please, Dear God, don't you too leave me unnoticed, when my vision is unclear, when your voice is hard to hear, please bless my silent tears...

Bless the silent tears I shed for those I love, when I pray to you at night. Those tears I hide from the world outside, the world that I give my sunshine. Please don't let the matters of my heart be lost in time, as I have been, trying to see someone else's dreams through. And please don't count me as ungrateful as I mourn the ones that you called to come live in Heaven with you. I don't want to love selfishly, I just love so much the blessings you've placed in my life. And I see how others don't appreciate them as they should, and I know I can provide them with their proper light....I just want their lives to grow right....

Please God, Bless my silent tears. Not because I want you to be the one to account for the reason they fill my eyes....nor do I want you to come down and make the ones who made me cry treat me right....I mean, who am I? I dont want everything to be as I wish, for I don't even know what tomorrow brings. And I dont want attention for the times I go invisible, and my heart goes unseen.... I just want to know that the love that takes it's liquid form as it falls from the very thing that allows me to see what no one else sees, doesn't go to waste or left for a dream. That that liquid love falls to a place, where it can water something else besides my heart as they flow down my face, and onto my chest, making the thing that causes me to love grow even more, for that which has made me cry...

God bless my silent tears, not because they are silent, but because if no one is there to hear them, do they even make a sound? I must know that this form of my love is acknowledged as real, then my soul will have a chance to heal. Please bless my silent tears so I no longer feel guilty for their existence...I don't want my heart to keep feeling bad, when no one other than you knows how to fix it.... bless my tears because thats my heart voicing it's opinion.... it doesn't like the state of it's condition... And sometimes it doesn't need a solution, just needs someone who will listen...

God bless my silent tears...for all those I love who cry in their own time... Who feel alone when they are down, and forget that YOU are listening.. Please bless my silent tears,... and the person they are being shed for... if they can get to me this much, I think they need your blessing more... For all the people who sit up at night and search for answers to ease their pain...For every tear I shed in silence, on the inside, Lord please tatoo their name....



~Amen....

*not perfect....

I am not perfect....
.........but I have given you the best of this imperfect person that I had.
I am not always right, but I've never told you anything that I thought would steer you wrong, and when everyone else has walked out, I was there, standing last...
I am not always a joy to be be around, and probably get on your nerves nine times out of ten...
but no matter where I go in my life, being with you good or bad will always be the sweetest place I've ever been...
I know I carry memories that you feel I put on you, and want you to make them all right somehow,
But I'm changing enough to recognize the pain, see you for you, and know my childhood no matter how dark, is over now...
I'm sorry for how I am sometimes, I'm not perfect...

I haven't quite figured out how to fall in love with someone without loosing myself,
And although you fault me for it, being in love with me is a feeling I've never felt...
I keep trying to be perfect.

I may smother you and crowd your space, and rush you to do what will free and ease me,
and we may argue more than anyone else you know, but I have never stopped trying and would never leave...
I have never deceived you, never told you a lie that would disrepect you, and never thought about being a cheat...
and although I may stress you out, a day where you dont have someone who adores you is a day you'll never have to see...
I'm just tired of you given up on me,
I never said I was perfect...

and I will never promise I will be.
I just promise to always love you, and give you the best of me.
Right now I dont have much, and I hope my simple heart is enough.
I'm just trying to start a new life for my new life, and start building it with us...
I dont know what the future holds, or what tomorrow brings,
I just know that we are supposed to cross the finish line together, because you are my dream...
I have a lot to work on within my self, and I'm not yet strong enough to do it all on my own,
And I dont always prioritize my life right, but I know God didn't put us here to experience this life alone...
and so far some of life's greatest joys have come when I was with you, a joy my heart had never before known..

I am not perfect...
And I hope you wont mind,
and because I'm not, I dont want much in return, just your love and your time.
I just want to share this time and space here on earth that God has blessed me with, with you..
And learn to "enjoy the climb, and not just always want to make the mountain move"....
I can't change who I am, I just pray I'm everything you want me to be,
If I truly thought I wasnt, that'd be the only reason I'd ever leave...
Maybe I'm stupid,.. i know i'm not perfect...

but they say a perfect person is a finished person....and we both know there's more to life than this...
and if I didnt have room to grow, who would you grow old with?
And I hope when I'm old and grey, and the Lord ask me how did I live,
I'll be able to say every day with the man you made just for me, forever grateful, and treating each moment like a gift....




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*I'm not perfect, but I'm trying....and I never gave up on you, or us... so don't let the weight of the problem ahead convince you that you/we can't find a resolution, or that we need to be better...Let the desire to re-create ourselves motivate us to find a different, not better way to live.... where then the limit is the sky and the standard is ourselves.... let us not let the size of the mountain make us feel like we need to always get stronger to deal with whats at hand, let our minds and hearts re-thinking in a Godly way remind us that we don't even need feet for we can fly if we try......... not everyone has wings, and I may only have one that works right now, and so do you, but I thank God that we still have an opportunity to embrace each other, and together, we can overcome, and fly.....*

"..Like the Sun disappears with the rise of the moon,... Gone too Soon....."

R.I.P.

Michael Jackson




(1958-2009)



THE Greatest Entertainer to ever live, and that ever will.....




I will always miss you, and music just doesn't feel the same....

*This is the last Love poem I write FOR you.....*

This will be the last love poem i write for you....until i feel like i am loved in return

i cant keep writing the words and keeping my receit because i know that everything i say with my heart will have to be returned....

You always break it..

and i cheat myself into thinking that it came that way, and blame the one that made it for its poor condition...

Lord, I'm sorry.

And my maker says you must forgive others, in order to be forgiven, so i forgive you

however life is about choices too, so in short, i release you...

But before i go i just want you to know that i really loved you, i still do, and always will...

i loved you more than you'll ever know. And im not going to spend a whole lot of time speaking of how much because i know that you already know.

But i cant keep loving someone who doesnt love me the same way in return anymore..

My life is based on the premise of promoting equality, so to be in an offbalanced relationship emotionally like this just isnt fair, to me or what i've been fighting for...

im taking back the little girl in me, that still deserves to be treated like a princess...

the girl that never knew hurt before, and who never questioned the notion of whether or not i was priceless....

I'm going to go back and find my dreams, that you will never helped come true...

because i wanted things for my life too, but you always just thought about you....

i cant let you convince me that i deserve the way you treat me,

because no matter what happened, i loved you unconditionally...

when all you did was give up on me...

like i said, i love you like a new day, and by saying new, that means all over again

but you loved me like yesterday....something that in whatever moment you're in, doesn't exist anymore...

so what am i fighting for?

i cant keep being with someone who in creating the plans of their life, not having my name being the first thing they mention...

not to say that i'm all they want out of life, but that anything that you would want wouldn't be worth having without me in it.

i figure my life out with you like we both found God's treasure map to happiness, like we'd each been carrying one half of it our whole lives, and now the picture only makes sense when we're together...

But you look at it like you had the key to happiness in this life, and i was just a person along your journey to give you the missing piece, and now you've got what YOU needed, and you'll be on your way...

you dont need me anymore....

and in the process of you viewing the past year and a half that way, you've robbed my of everything i've gained my whole life...

took my best from me, and felt like you owed me nothing...

you have the audacity to tell me you'd be better off without me...

when before me you couldn't even make sense of what life means...

you feel like its not your job to make me happy...

leave me to create everything from within myself....

and i thought that you must like to see me cry, but thats not true,

you're just only concerned with seeing your smile, looking out for you...

And people like you are the ones Ive grown to dislike the most,

those who live on borrowed time....

always thinking what you do doesn't matter, because all you got is time...

tomorrow is not promised, and you take for granted today, assuming that tomorrow is going to come, and i feel sorry for you...

sorry that you blame me for you actions when you yourself say that you cant change people, they have to change themselves.

and since you give me no credit for the good in your life, dont give me credit for all the bad that's become of you,

because i dont even know you...

I gave you the best of me...

placed you on the mountain top for you to lay me at your feet...

thought about you all day, for you to come home past three

trusted you enough to let you have me naturally

for you to not even kiss me, and when i cry fall fast asleep

i loved you with the God in me,

and you turned my testimony against me...

pretendin like i hurt you as an excuse for you to keep hurting me

i made you a king,

prayed for your dreams...

and like the giving tree i became a stump just so you have everything,

that made you happy.

only to find out that my happiness was never your prority

or of your concern...

Because that required you putting someone else before you...

something you never do...

you give the least amount of effort required that you know i'll hold on to long enough for you make a few more plans for a life without me

and ill keep believing that you'll come back around, as i carry your weak efforts as a sign that my dreams will come true...

i want to experience joy in my life, something unobtainable without bringing joy to others..

and if thats something you hope to find in your life, good luck finding it with the mentality you have now....

you live a life only focused on you
when you got someone that truly loves you...
you think you're so divine that you must have two people created just for you...
and someone else out there will miss out on their loved one, for your own mishaps,
and if u believe that, i can promise that thought will not come true...
i am a blessing in more ways that I even know....
and u treat me as though something thats one of a kind is replaceable...
and after all ive giving you, i was never enough....
when all i ever wanted from you was the respect, honesty, and adornment that comes with true love.....
see everyday, you could've always been enough...
ands it not that you aren't, or that you weren't,
its just that you chose not to be...
u didnt want to be my everything, which when you are faced with the truth about you, you'll find had never been so easy...
and i just want you to know that i never stopped loving my first,
because he was my first, and had me before you...
so since Jesus set a pretty high standard,
i cant keep settling for you...
all you had to do was try,
but the results of your efforts should not equal me crying...
i pray that you'll go back to your first love,
so we can be a three again..
but until then,
ill just be checking the mail for the love i sent to you a long time ago, to read..."My love to be returned to sendHER....